<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>you carbo my nara by sadsparties</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24181549">you carbo my nara</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadsparties/pseuds/sadsparties'>sadsparties</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Terror (TV 2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternative Universe - BA Test Kitchen, Cooking Lessons, Father Figures, Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:27:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,027</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24181549</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadsparties/pseuds/sadsparties</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom Hartnell is very lucky to still have a paid internship. His latest assignment doesn’t make sense much, but he reckons that Mr. Blanky’s just trying to keep him busy while he wrangles with his talents over Zoom. Tom sighs as he clicks play. He’ll need a whole box of GM’s Greatest Coffee Cakes to get through this.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>(pre-relationship), Captain Francis Crozier/Commander James Fitzjames</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you carbo my nara</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Have I completely gone off my rocker? Have I gone cross-eyed with all the coding? This is a reminder to <b>create the content you want to see in the world,</b> etc, etc. The original mythos for this is <a href="https://laissezferre.tumblr.com/post/612481745597743104/if-the-terror-is-basically-just-an-office-drama">here</a>.<br/> <br/>This is best viewed 1) in mobile, and 2) with the creator's style shown.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>GM TEST KITCHEN<br/>
Episode ID 2020-0042 “3 Chefs, 1 Dish” Pilot<br/>
Transcribed by Thomas Hartnell</p><p> </p><p>INT. TEST KITCHEN, CENTRE STATION — AFTERNOON</p><p>It’s unusually quiet for a Monday in the test kitchen. JF gleefully points at the party banners someone had put up last night. There’s no particular occasion, but it brightens up the place, and FRMC seems to approve. He’s all grins, which in itself already gives one the shivers. In the background, HTDL and HC are fussing over a baking tray.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JF: Hello, everyone! I’m James and we’re here in the test kitchen, and today we’re going to make— </p>
</div><p>PAN TO REVEAL: TJ, who is (finally) wearing an apron. He smiles and waves shyly at the camera.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TJ: —carbonara.</p>
</div><p>TJ is immediately overwhelmed by hugs and party horns. A fistful of confetti is thrown in the air. In the background, HC flinches at the sight of his messy kitchen.</p><p>Funky music over opening credits. TJ, FRMC, and JF are shown in various stages of the cooking process. TITLE CARD: <b>“3 Chefs, 1 Dish”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY (V.O.): In this episode, we’re gonna make three different versions of one dish—traditional, modern, and experimental. </p>
  <p>FRANCIS (V.O.): Tommy will do a traditional carbonara; this is the carbonara that our grammies make. And I’ll do the modern version.</p>
  <p>JAMES (V.O.): And I’ll make something completely new, an experimental carbonara but <em> not </em>a carbonara. </p>
</div><p>BACK TO SCENE</p><p>TITLE CARD: <b>“James Fitzjames, Associate Editor”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: So, how did they tell you that you got in?</p>
</div><p>TITLE CARD: <b>“Thomas Jopson, Former-Full time-Now-Part time Video Crew”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY: They sent me a text.</p>
  <p>JAMES: A text?</p>
  <p>TOMMY: Yeah, culinary schools ain’t as snooty as before.</p>
  <p>JAMES: Were they ever? I had a jolly, old time in culinary school.</p>
</div><p>TITLE CARD: <b>“Francis Rawdon Moira Crozier, Managing Editor”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: That’s because you got a leg up, James. Tommy here’s going at it the normal way.</p>
</div><p>Francis doesn’t even let James react. He gives Tommy an encouraging pat in the back.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Well then, lad? What’s on the slate today?</p>
  <p>TOMMY: Today I’m gonna make a classic spaghetti carbonara.</p>
</div><p> </p><p>Funky music over image of dry pasta. TITLE CARD:<b> “Part 1. Pasta”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY: Classic carbonara is composed of five basic ingredients—pasta, meat, egg, cheese, and black pepper. If you’re in a rush, you can always buy a pack of pre-made carbonara sauce and call it a day. But if you want to have more control over the flavour, you’ll have to make it your own.</p>
</div><p>Tommy holds out a packet of dry spaghetti pasta.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY (CONT’D): For my noodle, I’m going to use dry spaghetti pasta. You can use other shapes, but I’ve found spaghetti to be less finicky when it comes to boiling time. Salt your water generously, and set your timer to sev——what?</p>
</div><p>PAN TO: Francis and James beaming like proud uncles. They haven’t gotten to setting up their stations.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY (CONT’D): What did I do?</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: Nothing, go on.</p>
  <p>JAMES: You’re doing so well. </p>
  <p>TOMMY: At cooking pasta? It only takes a jiffy!</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: Careful how you use that word—“jiffy”. This is pasta. A jiffy is the difference between <em> al dente </em> and overcooked.</p>
</div><p>CUT TO:</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Carbonara sauce is fairly uncomplicated in terms of flavour, so you can pair up any type of noodle with it. Use whatever’s in your cupboard, as long as it’s not penne lisce. Those are 🍝🍝🍝🍝 awful.</p>
  <p>For my pasta, I’ll be using rigatoni, which is slightly larger than penne. If you look closely, there are these ridges on the outside, which will make sure that sauce clings to the noodle.</p>
</div><p>Francis dumps the entire packet of rigatoni into a pot of boiling water. He gives it a stir, then he pulls out his phone and leans on the counter.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>SOMEONE (O.S.): What are you doing?</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: Waiting for my pasta to be done.</p>
  <p>SOMEONE (O.S.): Yeah, but what are you doing <em> on your phone? </em></p>
  <p>FRANCIS: No.</p>
  <p>SOMEONE (O.S.): Come on, give us a show.</p>
</div><p>Francis glares at someone pointedly. He makes a face like the one you do when you step on a turd, or when you’re having a silent argument with someone. Whatever it is, Francis doesn’t end up the victor. He timidly tilts his phone to the camera. The screen shows the 2,312th level of Wordscapes.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Happy now?</p>
</div><p>CUT TO:</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: A carbonara is many things—it’s creamy, and porky, and salty, but it’s decidedly not sweet. I know Francis won’t deviate too much from the idea of a carbonara, but my challenge today is to turn carbonara into a dessert. </p>
  <p>First, I'm going to boil spaghetti in pasta water, lightly salted because remember, I want it to be sweet. Once it’s cooked, I’ll bundle strings of it in a rack, then put it in the dehydrator to remove most of the moisture. </p>
</div><p>James inserts the rack in the dehydrator and takes out the rack in the bottom slot.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: Here’s one I did this morning. You can see how the pasta’s all shriveled up and sad-looking. These will go into the deep fryer, which will loosen the starch cell walls and puff up the pasta like a tempura.</p>
</div><p>CLOSE ON: Deep saucepan with frying oil and thermometer. James drops one of the noodle bundles as a test. It sinks to the bottom, but in a few seconds, the pasta puffs up and rises to the surface, quick as a firecracker. James looks exceedingly pleased.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>SOMEONE (O.S.): Yer a wizard, James!</p>
</div><p> </p><p>Funky music over image of chopped pork. TITLE CARD: <b>“Part 2. Meat”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY: Classic carbonara uses guanciale as meat, but some days you just can’t bother a trip to the deli, and if you’re in America, you’ll probably have to go through several shops to find it. For my carbonara, I’ll be using meat that’s slightly easier to find, which is this very nice pancetta. You can remove the rinds if you prefer not to have too much of the bacon flavor. Cut it into cubes and saute in olive oil.</p>
</div><p>Tommy peers over his shoulder to where Francis and James are glowering at the blender. Well, Francis is glowering; James is upset.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY (whispering): I know I’m supposed to make a traditional carbonara, but I’m going to add garlic in here because that’s how my mum does it. </p>
</div><p>CUT TO:</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Guanciale is cured pork jowl, which my producer has instructed me to point out in my own jowls.</p>
</div><p>Someone cackles O.S. as Francis stirs the meat in his skillet.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Guanciale is similar to bacon without the smoky flavour. You can also use pancetta, but in my opinion, guanciale is leaner, and if you see here it has a better, bubbly texture when cooked. We’ll give it a taste to see if it’s chewy enough—that seems good. </p>
  <p>And now, time for the secret ingredient.</p>
</div><p>From the front pocket of his apron, Francis pulls out a 1L bottle of Coulman &amp; Ross Vermouth that should not have been able to fit in his 5x5 inch pocket. He carefully measures two cups of vermouth into a clear bowl. He checks the colour, gives it a nice whiff, and stares at it a full minute before nodding in approval. </p><p>He then sets it aside and pours the rest of the bottle into the skillet.</p><p>Francis returns to the bowl of vermouth and plops in some ice cubes and a squeeze of lemon. He motions the crew forward.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Who’s up for fancy punch?</p>
</div><p>CUT TO:</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: After cutting the guanciale into tiny pieces and frying til crispy, I’m gonna  check in with my pasta funnel cakes, make sure they’re holding up nicely, then quickly dunk them in caramel. The caramel will add sweetness as well as ensure that my guanciale will stick to the pasta— </p>
  <p>MF!: What-ho, James.</p>
  <p>JAMES: Mr. Franklin! Is there something you needed? I would have come to you.</p>
</div><p>TITLE CARD: <b>“Mr. Franklin!, Publisher, </b> <b> <em>Galley Mag</em> </b> <b>”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>MR. FRANKLIN!: No need to fret, my boy. I see you’re having quite a concoction here. May I offer my assistance? I’m sure I can ground this guanciale even finer, all the better to stick to your pasta.</p>
  <p>JAMES: Oh. Please help yourself, Mr. Franklin! It would be an honour.</p>
</div><p>Mr. Franklin! carries away the guanciale and James checks on his caramel. The sound of a blender is heard on the side.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>MR. FRANKLIN! (O.S.): Oh, dear.</p>
</div><p>James turns to see Mr. Franklin! tutting over the blender.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>MR. FRANKLIN!: I would go on, but the meat’s started to become pasty. It seems the oil in the meat has turned it into slush. But there are a few bits there that are still salvageable.</p>
</div><p>Mr. Franklin! holds out the jar of the blender for James’s inspection. Contrary to what he said, it’s <em> not </em>salvageable. It’s completely botched, a waste of perfectly crisped guanciale. (Note: Mr. B—I won’t get in trouble for this, will I?) James accepts the guanciale with a smile.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: Of course. I probably didn’t drain it enough. I don’t franky know how much oil is left in them.</p>
  <p>MR. FRANKLIN!: Bit of picking apart will freshen it up. It’ll be ground up just the same in a jiffy.</p>
</div><p>Mr. Franklin! makes a nod of dismissal and walks away. The camera doesn’t follow him. James is left on screen, clutching the jar to his chest.</p><p> </p><p>Funky music over image of a crate of eggs. TITLE CARD: <b>“Part 3. Eggs”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY: Here’s something cool.</p>
</div><p>Tommy takes an egg from the crate and cracks it on the surface of the counter. With one hand, he carefully pries the eggshell open and stares satisfyingly as the contents drop into a bowl. He cracks three more eggs.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY: We’ve got John in Budget. John can crack  several of these one-handed, even better than some of the chefs.</p>
</div><p>CUT TO:</p><p>B/W — A small crowd whooping loudly in the test kitchen. In the very centre, JB cracks eggs with a speed that will impress the sternest of maitre’ ds. His left arm is slung casually around HP’s waist, while his right arm is so quick that it blurs. In the next station, HTDL stares  in undisguised shock as his own crate goes unattended. </p><p>James calls time and the kitchen staff roars. JB smiles and bows demurely. When he straightens, HP pulls him down and plants a good one on his beardy cheek.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY (V.O.): Looking back, that was the day that I seriously thought of giving this a go. If a bloke from Budget could outskill actual chefs, then I thought I might have a fair chance.</p>
  <p>Also my mum wanted me to apply. She didn’t want me to miss the opportunity.</p>
</div><p>CUT TO:</p><p>Francis finely dicing guanciale into tiny bits. He frowns in concentration.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>SOMEONE (O.S.): Oi, what are you doing?</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: I’m not gonna show you my phone again.</p>
  <p>SOMEONE (O.S.): That’s not what I meant. We’re done with the meat bit; we’re shooting for the eggs now.</p>
</div><p>Francis points his knife to a large bowl near the edge of his station.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: They’re fine, they’re over there. I just whisked egg yolks and cream together. Besides, I cooked too much guanciale.</p>
  <p>SOMEONE (O.S.): Well, why don’t you set it aside then? </p>
  <p>FRANCIS: It <em> is </em>on the side.</p>
  <p>SOMEONE (O.S.): I mean the meat, you git.</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: For 🍝🍝🍝🍝 sake, Blanky! Just drop it! You better ask me anything else or this reel will be unusable.</p>
</div><p>Francis gives Blanky the Glare™. He’s not the type to show off, but Francis proves his knife skills as he dices the guanciale without looking. It’s aces, really.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>BLANKY (O.S.): All right then, (unintelligible).</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: Wuzzat?</p>
  <p>BLANKY (O.S.): Tell us why your station is called the <em> Terror </em>station.</p>
</div><p>This seems to get his attention. Francis stops his dicing. He leans his hip on the counter and crosses his arms.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: About five years ago, people here started acting funny. At first, it was minor things—they would feel dizzy or nauseous, so they’d take a few days off. But when they came back it would happen again. Later, people would be off their trolley and come in here without remembering what they were about to do, or what they’d just done. My mate J.C. left a stove on and almost caused a fire.</p>
</div><p>In the background, HC carries in a large piece of equipment and places it on James’s station.   </p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS (CONT’D): We thought some kind of serious bug was going around, but Mr. Franklin! had other ideas. He had a worm in his ear about the <em> feng shui </em> being off. He’d even had his wife draw up a posh, new layout for the place. But in the morning they were gonna break through the northwestern wall, I brought in a few health inspectors. It turned out that there was a leak in one of the propane tanks, and it was causing carbon monoxide poisoning among the crew. The leaky tank was right under this station, and since then they called it the <em> Terror </em>station.</p>
  <p>BLANKY (O.S.): It was a miracle nothing exploded. All those flare-ups you made while grilling Tad...</p>
</div><p>Francis huffs and takes up the knife again.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: I told you not to get too attached.</p>
</div><p>CUT TO:</p><p>James patting the equipment on his counter. The gleam in his smile matches the chrome in the machine.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: Someday, I’m gonna own one of these.</p>
</div><p>PAN TO REVEAL: Ice cream machine</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES:  If you’ve got one of these big boys, you can make ice cream out of anything, including eggs. Now, I've already separated the yolk from the whites, so I’ll blend that in with a milk mixture, add a few flavour enhancers, nothing too artificial, of course, then pour the mixture into the ice cream machine. We’ll leave that to do its magic and come back in half an hour.</p>
</div><p>TILT TO SHOW: The yolk and milk mixture churning inside the machine. It looks like a batch of dodgy squash soup with too much cream.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: That looks lovely.</p>
</div><p> </p><p>Funky music over image of a block of cheese. TITLE CARD: <b>“Part 4. Cheese”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY: Traditional carbonara sauce is made out of egg yolks and pecorino, which is this hard cheese made from sheep’s milk. Now, if I make carbonara at home, I have to grate the entire block of pecorino on a box grater, but luckily…</p>
</div><p>Tommy shuffles aside to reveal a food processor set up on the counter. He gives the lid of the food processor a series of slow, gentle strokes that reminds you of good, old days with your doggo. The twinkle in Tommy’s eyes catches on the camera.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY: This kitchen is mint.</p>
</div><p>CUT TO:</p><p>Francis vigorously grating a massive chunk of parmesan. Half his station is covered in piles of grated, yellow strings.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Usually I’d go with pecorino for carbonara, but just to mix it up a bit, I’ll do half and half with parmesan to add a light, fluffy sweetness to the sauce. When I’m done here, I’ll whisk that up with the eggs until it emulsifies and fully incorporates.</p>
</div><p>In the background, a small crowd gathers around James’s station. There’s a shriek, followed by exclamations of awe. Francis stares into the camera and rolls his eyes.</p><p>CUT TO:</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: Instead of grating parm to garnish my dish, I’m going to steep the cheese rinds in the milk of my ice cream. The idea is to have ice cream that’s rich from the egg yolk, but has a salty aftertaste like cheese.</p>
</div><p>James leans his elbows on the counter as the paddles in the ice cream machine slowly whirl round. He gets That Look™ on his face. Cue nostalgic music.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES (CONT’D): I first discovered cheese ice cream while I was out for a lark in Cebu. My friends and I were climbing a nearby hill, and when we reached the top, I saw the island of Malapascua laid out before us, wavering in the morning heat.</p>
  <p>We rushed back down into the streets for a laugh, when we came upon an ice cream vendor pushing a cart. Now, I’d just had my fill of a Lucozade when I was pierced by a sudden curiosity to try the local delicacy.</p>
  <p>We beckoned the man closer and when he opened his cart, there were tubs of ice cream with different flavours—the usual sort, chocolate, purple yam, strawberry, and then there was <em> cheese. </em> </p>
  <p>Cheese ice cream is, how can I say this, it’s both sweet and salty. The one we got then was the most basic recipe but apparently, you could buy these in pints in the local grocer and they would have literal chunks of cheese in them. Think brownie bits in your ice cream. It was solid and chewy and sweet and—oh, hullo, Francis.</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: What capital story are you telling this time?</p>
  <p>JAMES: Cheese ice cream. Have you tried them?</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: Cheese?!</p>
</div><p>Francis leans over James’s shoulder to peer at the ice cream machine.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Why’s it so yellow?</p>
  <p>JAMES: I put the yolk in.</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: Hmm.</p>
</div><p>Francis reaches his hand around James and fiddles with the button controls.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: Oi, what are you—</p>
</div><p>To James’s surprise, a song begins to softly emanate from the ice cream machine. It is a jolly, MIDI version of Schubert’s <em> Gute Nacht.  </em></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: Huh... I didn’t know we got the musical ones.</p>
</div><p>CUT TO:</p><p>HTDL, HC, and EL gathering round James’s station. James is ladling bits of soft ice cream into a plastic tub. </p><p>TITLE CARD: <b>“H.T.D. Le Vesconte, Editor-at-Large”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>DUNDY: So, what is this again?   </p>
  <p>JAMES: Egg and cheese ice cream.</p>
</div><p>Dundy chuckles like he’s been told a cracking joke.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>DUNDY: Nice, James. But really.</p>
  <p>JAMES: Really.</p>
  <p>DUNDY: Wait, what?</p>
  <p>JAMES: Just try it!</p>
</div><p>Dundy looks skeptical, but he tries a tidbit. After a while, his brows rise to his very nice hairline, as if he’s had a very good idea.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>DUNDY: Do you know what this would go well with? A biscuit! Do we have any of those GM’s Greatest Biscuits lying around?</p>
</div><p>With biscuits at the forefront of his mind, Dundy forgets all thoughts of James’s ice cream. He walks away as HC nibbles daintily from the spoon. HC squints and glances hazily about the room, like waking up from a dream.</p><p>TITLE CARD: <b>“Henry Collins, Test Kitchen Manager”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>HENRY: Does this have oil in it? I can feel grease in the roof of my mouth.</p>
  <p>JAMES: Oil? Not a drop.</p>
  <p>HENRY: I can even smell it. I can smell it everywhere. Don’t you, Ned?</p>
</div><p>Unlike Henry, Edward is suitably impressed. He eagerly digs in for another scoop.</p><p>TITLE CARD: <b>“Edward Little, Senior Food Editor”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>EDWARD: It tastes like… like the tub of cream cheese left in your freezer.</p>
</div><p>Finally some positive feedback. James rewards Edward with a tiny poke.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: And, were it not for the egg yolk, it would be pale, same as cream cheese.</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: Tell our cheese expert more about cheese, why don’t you, James?</p>
</div><p>TITLE CARD: <b>“Francis R.M. Crozier, Chief Boredom Officer”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: Francis! Back so soon, eh? Here, have a taste.</p>
</div><p>James carves out an alarming amount of ice cream and tilts the ladle to Francis’s mouth.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Are you seriously trying to spoonfeed me?</p>
  <p>JAMES: Come on.</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: Leave off.</p>
  <p>JAMES: Just a smidge then, aaaahhmmm. </p>
</div><p>Francis reels back as the ladle makes contact with his mouth. He grabs James’s wrist, who is taken aback, but instead of shoving him off, Francis slowly pulls James in and leans forward to lick the tiny bit of ice cream sloping at the edge of the ladle. James watches Francis carefully, taking in the way his face scrunches up as he crinkles his nose.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: Well?</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: It’s… I don’t hate it.</p>
  <p>JAMES: Oh? Your face is telling otherwise.</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: Really, I don’t hate it.</p>
</div><p>Francis audibly swallows.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS (CONT’D): I mean, it’s odd... but only because it doesn’t taste what you expect it to. It looks like pureed mash potato, for Christ’s sake. But then you actually try it and it tastes like cheese, and that throws off everything you thought about it.</p>
</div><p>The line of James’s lips curves into a smile.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: Cheese ice cream certainly tastes off at first, but in my experience, you only have to give it another go, figure out what’s going on in there, and before you know it you’re scraping the bottom of the pint. That’s when you realize that you actually fancy it.</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: Oh? Is that how it goes?</p>
  <p>JAMES: I certainly hope so.</p>
</div><p>PAN TO: Edward and Henry standing awkwardly at the side.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>EDWARD: Right, that’s us.</p>
  <p>HENRY: Bye.</p>
</div><p> </p><p>Funky music over image of a pepper mill. TITLE CARD: “Part 5. Black Pepper”</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY: Next, I’m going to add freshly ground pepper into the sauce. Pepper is usually put in as an afterthought, to be added once the dish is plated, but pepper is like salt. If you want the flavour properly incorporated, then you should season your dish earlier.</p>
</div><p>CUT TO:</p><p>B/W — TITLE CARD: <b>“Literally 5 minutes ago”.</b> Sad music over Tommy talking to someone on the phone. He gestures nervously.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY: Hey, mum? Yeah, uh... do I sprinkle the pepper in before or after the pasta’s done? No, we’re doing the carbonara ep. Yeah, yeah, the meat’s done. Seven minutes, just as you said, yeah. Oh, okay. Right, thought so. Okay, okay. Love you too.</p>
</div><p>BACK TO: Tommy smiling, looking perfectly composed.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY: And when in doubt, ask your elders.</p>
</div><p>CUT TO:</p><p>Francis and Tommy looking over a pan of peppercorn. The peppercorns jump in the pan from the heat of the fire, like they're dancing. Francis and Tommy watch, entranced.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: You see? Have you ever thought of toasting the peppercorns?</p>
  <p>TOMMY: Not really, what’s it do?</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: Toasting enriches the aroma of the pepper, and the resulting flavor comes out smoky and spicy.</p>
  <p>TOMMY: But does it matter, if most of the pepper will be drowned out by the creams?</p>
</div><p>Francis smiles.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: It’s the little things, lad. The pepper adds a bit of spice in all the decadence of the carbonara, and you’ll want that, because otherwise your carbonara would be all rich with no bite.</p>
</div><p>CUT TO:</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: 🍝🍝🍝🍝!</p>
  <p>BLANKY (O.S.): What?</p>
  <p>JAMES: ...Did I throw out all my pasta water?</p>
</div><p>CUT TO:</p><p>James lingering in Francis’s station.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Oh God, what now?</p>
  <p>JAMES: Francis… Can I have some of your pasta water?</p>
</div><p> </p><p>INT. TEST KITCHEN, CENTRE STATION — SUNSET</p><p>In the station island are two finished dishes—a classic spaghetti carbonara and a rigatoni carbonara. Francis leans closer to inspect Tommy’s work..</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Oh, look at that. Well done, lad!</p>
</div><p>Tommy watches nervously as Francis twirls a fork through a healthy amount of pasta.</p><p>TITLE CARD: <b>“Frank Crozier, Proud Dad”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Nice consistency, nice texture.</p>
  <p>JAMES: Nice colour, too.</p>
</div><p>TITLE CARD: <b>“Jimmy Fitz, Proud Dad #2”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: I’m getting a hint of spiciness?</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: The pepper?</p>
  <p>JAMES: No, something else. Did you add another spice in here?</p>
</div><p>Tommy shifts on his feet and blushes.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY: I did put garlic in with the pancetta.</p>
</div><p>Francis’s mouth forms an “o”. He nods approvingly.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: They actually do that in some households. But I’ve never tried it because garlic tends to be strong.</p>
  <p>JAMES: Yes, it overpowers everything else, especially cheese.</p>
</div><p>Francis and James regard Tommy’s dish again, like they see it in a new light. They sample more bites, and after a while, Francis clears his throat.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>Francis: I think... I’m going to use garlic the next time I make carbonara.</p>
  <p>TOMMY: Oh, thank God. </p>
</div><p>CUT TO:</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Ok, I didn’t put anything too fancy in here. This is rigatoni carbonara with—</p>
  <p>JAMES: Gin?</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: No, it’s—</p>
  <p>TOMMY: Whisky?</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: No—</p>
  <p>JAMES: Oh, I’ve got it! Limoncello? </p>
  <p>FRANCIS: It’s vermouth.</p>
  <p>JAMES AND TOMMY: Oooooooohhh.</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: I don’t know why you always make a fuss out of this.</p>
  <p>JAMES: Ah, but that’s exactly the thing, Francis. You cook traditional recipes, and because you’ve done them so often, you have a better understanding of the different flavours in them, how they work with each other, how they’ll change when you bring in a new ingredient. Blanky had it right when he assigned you the modern challenge. There are chefs like me who will deconstruct a dish to make them “new”, and then there’s you, who’ll add in two drops of vanilla and completely change the composition of something. You’ve experience, is what I’m saying, and I’d say that’s more important in a kitchen than any other flash-and-bang.</p>
</div><p>Francis blinks, surprised. James grins as he waits for the usual rejoinder, but Francis keeps mum. Instead, he gives the go ahead to Tommy and Tommy eagerly digs in. James takes his time and takes a good, long sniff of the pasta before savouring a mouthful.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: So?</p>
</div><p>James swallows and smiles, content.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: I think I’ve already said my piece. I’ll let our Tommy have a go.</p>
</div><p>Tommy scoops up a bit of the sauce to taste it separately.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY: That vermouth is really doing something.</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: Turns it a tad sweet, eh?</p>
  <p>TOMMY: Yeah, and since you used vermouth and not something as square as, say, table sugar, the sauce hasn’t darkened as sugar does when heated. It retains the vivid yellow colour while being sweet. That’s— </p>
</div><p>Tommy hurriedly whips out his phone and opens the notes app.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>Tommy: —clever as hell.</p>
</div><p>Francis grins and shares a pleased glance with James. Tommy looks up, oblivious. Francis turns to the camera crew.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Well, lads. I think we’ll have a new editor by next morning.</p>
</div><p>CUT TO:</p><p>Epic music over James exiting from the walk-in freezer. He swaggers into centre station and places his plate on the counter. There’s a dome cover on, and Francis watches with dread as James lifts the lid up. </p><p>SLOW PAN UP: A small tower of ice cream. The base starts with a flat pasta funnel cake with guanciale bits, on top of which are two scoops of egg and cheese ice cream, followed by a dollop of white foam, then garnished with a small piece of another funnel cake.  </p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: James, I’m pretty sure I worked in full view of your station, but there’s much of this dish I can’t reconcile with actual carbonara.</p>
  <p>JAMES: I’ve no clue if this will even taste good.</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: You what?!</p>
  <p>JAMES: They only briefed us about this yesterday! </p>
  <p>FRANCIS: You could have come up with something less “experimental” for one.</p>
  <p>JAMES: It doesn’t matter. How any chef develops a new recipe is less important than the final result. And, well, I think I’ve measured up.</p>
</div><p>Francis archs his brows. He’s more amused than annoyed. Tommy is aptly excited and noshes on the ice cream. Francis picks up the funnel cake topper and takes a bite, then dips it briefly into the foam.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES: You’re not trying the ice cream?</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: I’ve already tried it. It’s good.</p>
  <p>JAMES: It is?!</p>
  <p>TOMMY: This is really tripping me out.</p>
</div><p>TITLE CARD: <b>“Thomas Jopson, A Very Good Boy”.</b></p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY (CONT’D): I mean, it doesn’t look at all like carbonara, but it <em> tastes </em> like carbonara. The best way I can think of to describe it is drinking Coca-Cola and then figuring out it’s root beer when it hits your tongue. It’s not awful, but it’s different, unexpected.</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: The only thing that deviates it from a carbonara is the caramel, which I suppose is because you were going for a dessert, but other than that and the temperature, it certainly tastes like a carbonara. There’s pork and cream and cheese—all the important bits are there. You’ve simply stripped a carbonara to its bare components and dressed it up something posh. But underneath it’s the same: a good, hearty dish.</p>
</div><p>Francis samples another spoonful of the pasta foam.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Now, what is this exactly? It’s starchy but also spicy. Did you pulverize your pasta? </p>
  <p>JAMES: It’s pasta water. <em> Your </em>pasta water.</p>
</div><p>Francis blinks.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>JAMES (CONT’D): With a bit of pepper in it, of course. But it’s mostly your pasta water. Then I put it in a whipping siphon to make foam.</p>
</div><p>For the second time that day, Francis is speechless. He turns to James with a gobsmacked look on his face, similar to the one he had when he got the email (not text) that he’d made it to the shortlist of the National Chef of the Year Awards. </p><p>Tommy is blissfully devouring the rest of the ice cream.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: James... that is incredible.</p>
</div><p>James beams.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>INT. TEST KITCHEN, CENTRE STATION — NIGHT</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY: And there you have it! Three chefs, and three versions of carbonara. If you enjoyed this episode, please like and subscribe. And you can head over to our website for the recipes.</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: Right, let’s go. I’m keen for dumplings.</p>
  <p>JAMES: I want some ice cream.</p>
  <p>FRANCIS: I can’t 🍝🍝🍝🍝 believe you can still crave ice cream. You just made an entire batch!</p>
  <p>JAMES: Store-bought is different! I want Häagen-Dazs. Coffee flavour, or macadamia nut.</p>
  <p>TOMMY: Oh.</p>
</div><p>Tommy fumbles for something in his back pocket and produces a scrunched up coupon.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>TOMMY (CONT’D): Here. I was meaning to go but I’m stuffed. You can get a 15% discount if you want. Valid until today. </p>
  <p>JAMES: Oh, brilliant!</p>
  <p>TOMMY: You have to buy two scoops though, to get the discount.</p>
  <p>JAMES: But I can’t spoil my dinner.</p>
</div><p>James and Tommy turn toward Francis.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: Oh, no. Permission not granted. Ask Dundy. There’s a sweet tooth if there’s any.</p>
  <p>JAMES: He’s filled himself up with GM Biscuits. He said he’s skipping dinner.</p>
</div><p>Francis turns to go, but something about James’s pouty mouth and watery eyes makes him stop. Neither of them move. Tommy shuffles between them until he remembers that he’s a grown man and that his actual parent is waiting at home.</p><p>It’s when James wobbles his chin that Francis finally gives in. He heaves a deep sigh and begins removing his apron.</p>
<p></p><div class="letter">
  <p>FRANCIS: We might as well head to Wong’s after. </p>
</div><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span class="u"> END OF EPISODE </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I still can't believe I wrote this. What is screenplay format?? What is britpick??? Anyway, I had to release this to the ether before I could properly move on to other projects. I hope you had a laugh!</p><p>The concept for this episode is based on <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7i9dTJgsdI">this</a> video of BATK. The recipes belong to Bon Appétit and Nigella Lawson.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>